CARROT & BEAT DEHYDRATION TREATS: DECEMBER 14TH, 2024

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YESTERDAY, I SET OUT TO MAKE DEHYDRATED CARROT TREATS- AND, FOR FUN, THREW IN THE WORLD'S TINIEST BATCH OF BEETS (WE’RE TALKING HALF A BEET) THE RESULTS? DELIGHTFULLY CRISP LITTLE CHIPS, BUT HERE’S THE KICKER: AN ENTIRE BAG OF CARROTS WHITTLED DOWN TO ABOUT A QUARTER OF A CONTAINER. IF I HAD TO ESTIMATE, WE’RE TALKING 300G TOPS.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU’RE DREAMING OF PROFITABLE VEGGIE SNACKS, MAKE SURE CARROTS ARE BOUGHT IN BULK AND DEFINITELY ON SALE. OTHERWISE, YOU’RE BASICALLY DEHYDRATING YOUR GROCERY BUDGET, ONE CARROT AT A TIME.

1)   CARROT (MASHED) BASE, YOGURT TOPPER: SWIRL? MARBLE?... MORE LIKE MESS

THE VISION: A SLEEK CARROT FOUNDATION CROWNED WITH AN ELEGANT YOGURT SWIRL, A MASTERPIECE OF MINIMALISM. THE REALITY? A SPLATTERED MESS THAT LOOKS LIKE A TODDLER GOT A HOLD OF MY KITCHEN TOOLS. LET’S CALL IT “MODERN ART”, BECAUSE UM TOO PROUD TO CALL IT WHAT IT REALLY IS-CHAOS. I MADE EXACTLY ONE BEFORE SURRENDERING, SOLELY BECAUSE I REFUSE TO WASTE FOOD. UTAH? INDIFFERENT. ME? WONDERING WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG?

2)   YOGURT BASE, PUREED CARROT TOPPER: MARBLING GONE MEIH

I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THIS ONE. YOGURT FOR THE BASE, CARROT FOR A COLORFUL SWIRL-WAS I AIMING FOR MATTY MATHESON’S APPROVAL? DUH. WHAT I GOT? A SAD LITTLE MEIH. THE LAYERS DIDN’T BLEND, DIDN’T SWIRL, AND DEFINITELY DIDN’T WOW. FINAL VERDICT PENDING, BUT LET’S JUST SAY IM THIS CLOSE TO PUTTING LI IN CHARGE…. THAT DECISION AGED LIKE MILK -_-

3)   YIN AND YANG: LI’S TIPSY TOUCH

LI, FUELED BY ONE TOO MANY DRINKS AND MISPLACED CONFIDENCE, SWOOPED IN WITH HIS MASTERPIECE ATTEMPT- A BETT AND YOGURT YING AND YANG. BOLD CONCEPT, BRUTAL EXECUTION. BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER: IN HIS HAZE OF BEET CREATIVITY, HE ALSO MANAGED TO SQUIRT BEET JUICE ALL OVER MY TREAT (#2) SO NOW IT’S EVEN LESS (IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT) “MARBLE ELEGANCE” AND MORE “CRIME SCENE CHAOS” I’M STARTING TO THINK UTAH’S LOST ALL RESPECT FOR US.

4)   BLUEBERRY PAWS, BEET BASE AND YOGURT DOLLOPS: I SHALL NAME THIS – THE CHAOS COLLECTION

THIS ONE HAD POTENTIAL. SWEET BLUEBERRIES? BRIGHT BEETS? YOGURT DOLLOPS FOR THAT TRENDY CHEF’S KISS FINISH? BUT NO/ THE BLUEBERRIES FLOATED AWAY, THE DOLLOPS LANDED IN A RANDOM GLOB, AND THE BEET BASED STAINED ALL THE THINGS. INSTEAD OF “PRETTY AND FUN”, IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS STRESS BAKING FOR THE SCHOOLS FUN FAIR.

5)   SPIRULINA SURPRISE:  GALAXY GRADIENT GOODNESS

I HAD IT. I ABSOLUTELY F! @#IN HAD IT! AND THEN…I DIDN’T.

THE VISION WAS CLEAR: A MASTERPIECE OF COLOR- BLUE SPIRULINA GOAT’S MILK SWIRLED WITH FRESHLY BLENDED BEET JUICE FOR A VIBRANT PINK. TOGETHER, TOGETHER, THEY WERE A GALACTIC SYMPHONY, A SWIRL OF OTHERWORLDLY HUES SO MESMERIZING IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE PICASSO IN AN APRON. TRULY PICTURE-PERFECT. (YES, I DESERVE A LITTLE CREDIT FOR PULLING THIS OFF AMIDST TODAY’S SERIES OF WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF MOMENTS) AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHERE THIS TAKES A TURN. THE SECOND I SLID THE DRAWER CLOSED; I KNEW I SCREWED UP. RIGHT THERE, UNFOLDING IN SLOW MOTION BEFORE MY EYES, THE DREAM UNRAVELLED. MY GALACTIC SWIRL? REDUCED TO A SAD, SINGULAR PURPLE. AND NOT AN EXCITING, NEW SHADE FOR THE NEXT SEASON IN COSMO KIND OF PURPLE. NO, NO. THIS WAS A BASIC, SOUL CRUSHING PURPLE- THE KIND YOU DON’T BRAG ABOUT ON INSTAGRAM. LESSON LEARNED: NEXT TIME, GET THE MOLDS INTO THE DRAWER FIRST, THEN RAZZLE-DAZZLE AWAY WITH YOUR SWIRLING GENIUS. BECAUSE, AS IT TURNS OUT, RAZZLE-DAZZLE ISN’T QUITE SO FORGIVING ONCE YOU’RE FRAZZLE-FRAZZLED...