DECEMBER 29TH ISH… OR SOMETHING…

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THIS TIME, I’VE REALLY DONE IT. WAS IT A HAPPY ACCIDENT? A (NOT SO) CHAOTIC EXPERIMENT GONE RIGHT? DOESN’T MATTER. WHAT DOES MATTER IS THIS: I’VE CREATED THE KATE BECKINSALE OF DOG TREATS. (THAT MIGHT SOUND EXCESSIVE, BUT STAY WITH ME HERE)

AHEM, ALLOW ME TO SET THE STAGE: MY BELOVED HARLEY, OUR RESIDENT CHICKEN NUGGET DISGUISED AS A BULLDOG, RECENTLY WENT UNDER THE KNIFE FOR HIP SURGERY. ARTHRITIS CREPT IN LIKE AN UNINVITED GUEST, AND NOW WERE ON A MISSION. THINK: SUPPLEMENTS. BUT NOT BORING, OVERPRICED ONES IN A JAR FROM A STORE WHERE KAREN ARGUES OVER EXPIRED COUPONS-NOPE. I WENT FULL SCIENCE-LAB-MEETS-CULINARY-GENIUS MODE. THE RESULT? TREATS THAT ARE FUNCTIONAL, FABULOUS, AND (IF I MAY TOOT MY OWN HORN) MILDLY ICONIC.

THE THEME? GREEN. (NOT BECAUSE I’M HEALTH OBSESSED BUT BECAUSE I IMPULSE-BOUGHT SPIRULINA POWDER-DON’T ASK) THE PROCESS? EQUAL PARTS BRILLIANCE AND CHAOS. AND LET ME TELL YOU, THEY ARE CHEF’S KISS.

1.    PIGGY SMALLS- THE HIP HOP EDITION

PICTURE THIS- HARLEY’S FIRST SUPPLEMENTAL TREAT. PACKED WITH ALL THE GOOD STUFF HER AGING HIPS COULD EVER WANT. CAUSE WE ALL KNOW “HIPS DON’T LIE” THE BASE, IS HOMEMADE CHICKEN BROTH BECAUSE WASTING FOOD FEELS ILLEGAL IN THIS ECONOMY, THEN CAME THE DREAM TEAM:

BEEF GELATIN: FOR COLLAGEN

HOMEMADE EGGSHELL POWDER: (BECAUSE WHY THROW AWAY EGGSHELLS WHEN YOU CAN BECOME A CALCIUM QUEEN?)

FLAXSEED: OMEGA-3 ESSENTIALS BECAUSE SCIENCE SAYS DOGS LOVE THEIR OMEGAS, DUH!

TURMERIC AND BLACK PEPPER: ANTI-INFLAMMATORY POWER COUPLE-AKA THE SPICES THAT MAKE YOU SOUND SMART AT DINNER PARTIES.

SPIRULINA POWDER: BECAUSE I COULDN’T NOT, NOT USE IT- IT COST ME MY DIGNITY AND HALF OF LI’S PAYCHECK.

A QUICK MIXY-MIX, A SET AND BOOMBA! GUMMY MASTERPIECES WITH A GREEN GLOW AND MORE HEALTH BENEFITS THAN YOUR OVERPRICED MATCHA LATTE. THE NAME? PIGGY SMALLS- THE HIP-HOP EDITION. ARTHRITIS AND JOINTS? BAD HIPS? YOU GET THE JOKE, RIGHT? (COME ON, IT’S A CLASSIC)

2.    HARLEY’S LOVE BITES

TREAT NUMBER TWO: BECAUSE ONE SET OF DOG SNACKS ISN’T ENOUGH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING EXTRA. STILL RIDING THAT CHICKEN BROTH WAVE, I ADDED:

PEANUT BUTTER, BECAUSE DUH.

A SPRINKLE OF CHIA SEEDS

A DASH OF SHREDDED COCONUT

AND, OF COURSE, MORE EGGSHELL POWDER BECAUSE BRITTLE BONES IS THE ENEMY HERE.

THESE TURNED OUT SO CUTE, THEY’D MAKE AN INFLUENCER JEALOUS. THEY’RE SMALL, HEAVENLY, LOOK GOURMET, AND TASTE-WELL, I DIDN’T TASTE THEM. BUT HARLEY APPROVES, SO 10/10, NO NOTES.

3.    COLLAGEN CUTIES.

FINALLY, MY MAGNUM OPUS. THE LEFTOVERS FROM THE FIRST TWO BATCHES (BECAUSE WHO HAS THE TIME FOR A SECOND SINK FULL OF DISHES) TURNED INTO THE SIMPLEST YET CUTEST ITTY-BITTY COLLAGEN HEARTS. NO OVER THE TOP INGREDIENTS HERE- JUST STRAIGHT UP HEALTH BOMBS FOR MY LITTLE NUGGET. MINIMAL EFFORT, BUT THEY’RE GIVING PINTEREST MOM ENERGY .

THE HAPPY ACCIDENT

OKAY, SO HERE’S THE KICKER: THESE WEREN’T JUST HEALTH-PACKED OR EVEN HARLEY-APPROVED, THEY’RE ACCIDENTAL ART. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID TO ACHIEVE THIS AESTHETIC BECAUSE MEASUREMENTS? NEVER HEARD OF HER. BUT THE OMBRE GRADIENT ON THESE GUMMIES CAME OUT PRETTY WILD. DARK GREEN FADES INTO LIGHT GREEN, THEN INTO BARELY THERE HEARTS. IT’S LIKE A FASHION WEEK RUNWAY FOR DOG SNACKS. YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD.

I CAREFULLY LAYERED THESE BEAUTIES INTO A GLASS TUPPERWARE. (STILL WORKING ON THE FOREVER PACKAGING- SOS) ARRANGING THEM FROM DARKEST TO LIGHTEST BECAUSE AESTHETIC IS LIFE. EVEN LI, WHO AT THE TIME WAS PEDDLING HIS ASS OFF ON HIS BIKE, STOPPED MID-RIDE TO MARVEL AT THIS MASTERPIECE. NOW, HERE’S WHERE I DROPPED THE BALL: PHOTOS. I MEAN I TRIED. BUT BETWEEN MY SHAKY HANDS AND ZERO PHOTOGRAPHY SKILLS. THESE PICS SCREAM, “TAKEN BY A TODDLER WHO GOT A HOLD OF THEIR MOMS PHONE” DON’T JUDGE ME- IM AN “ARTIST”, NOT A TECH GURU.  STILL, HARLEY’S OVER THE MOON, AND HONESTLY? THAT’S WHAT COUNTS/ I'LL LEAVE THE PROFESSIONAL PHOTOS TO SOMEONE WITH PATIENCE (OR A TRIPOD) UNTIL THEN, JUST KNOW: THE TRIO OF TREATS IS A TRIUMPH, AND HARLEY’S JOINTS WILL THANK ME FOR YEARS TO COME.

TOOT, TOOT, BABY, TOOT TOOT.